YouTube: A Brief But Invaluable growth Experience

One early morning I was by myself in the Northwest Chicago apartment I was living in, sitting on the couch, finishing the last bit of my yerba mate drink. Suddenly I felt a strong pull to finally act on the idea I had been pondering for a while – starting a YouTube channel. So, I set my phone camera on the coffee table in front of me, and I began talking. I had been thinking about what it means to be an “average person” and why there tends to be a negative connotation attached to it. From a personal point of view, an average person depicted someone living an ordinary, stable and somewhat predictable life, as opposed to an extraordinary life, filled with achievements, accolades and exceptional experiences. With this understanding, I argued nothing was necessarily wrong with having an average life, so long as an individual finds contentment, fulfillment and purpose in it, which I believe is ultimately what indeed matters. At the time, I considered myself an average guy, meaning in the eyes of the world I didn’t exceptionally stand out at anything, but I was genuinely at peace, growing and living more intentionally than I ever did. I was in a significantly better place than in the few years prior, when I endured truly difficult seasons. Thus, I felt compelled to share my stories, insights and perspectives, as well as to show the lifestyle I chose to embrace and led me to have greater levels of joy and freedom. My overall intent was to simply be a source of encouragement for others, while stepping outside my comfort zone and developing some valuable skills.

Public speaking had always been one of my biggest fears and I tried avoiding it at all costs. In school I would normally dread giving presentations and even participating in group discussions, or anything involving communication with an audience. Conveying my ideas effectively, articulating my thoughts clearly and connecting with the listeners were all aspects I struggled with. The thought alone of talking in front of people caused me a lot of stress and anxiety; however, when it was time to perform, I tended to do a decent job, and I felt a huge sense of relief afterward. I recognized the story I would often play in my head wasn’t ever as terrible as reality turned out to be. Since I never enjoyed any step in the process of delivering a talk, including planning and preparing for it, I had developed the fixed mindset that I wasn’t good at it. Moreover, my introverted personality was a factor that didn’t favor me, as I naturally felt overwhelmed in large group settings, and I had a tough time handling external pressure and attention. Lastly, having had to learn English as a second language played a major role in my resistance to public speaking. Having self-awareness around my imperfect speech led me to become shy and lack confidence. I had tremendous fear of embarrassing myself and being judged by others.

Despite all the limiting beliefs I had cultivated over the years, I mustered the courage to get in front of a camera, speak my thoughts and ideas as best as I could, and release it to the public eye, fully acknowledging the fact it wasn’t going to look or feel great. Having come to this acceptance and having the willingness to be vulnerable was rather liberating. I figured out to lose the fear of judgement and failure, I first had to quit being so critical of myself, embrace my flaws and weaknesses, and relinquish my strive for perfectionism; all of which were strictly in my power. Although I hoped the videos I shared would get to many viewers and the content would be helpful, engaging and relatable, I understood these factors were out of my control. At the end of the day, whether I was able to create an impact or not, this pursuit was an invaluable personal challenge that facilitated self-discovery, and authentically expressing myself and working on my craft allowed me to grow immensely.

Recoding the first video on my YouTube channel was nerve-racking. I was all alone in the living room and speaking aloud to the camera felt odd. Even though there was nobody around me, I was uncomfortable and perceived pressure. I did my best to remain calm and collected, not rush my words and express my ideas clearly; however, my timid voice was quite revealing. My thoughts were scattered; I took frequent pauses attempting to arrange them and get my point across. I realized I was repetitive to some extent, and I was essentially giving a monologue, but I managed to carry on and bring my talk to a conclusion. I knew right away if I honestly wanted to improve, I had a ton of work to do and I would only make progress by practicing and remaining consistent. Gaining awareness of where I was, I adopted a mindset I believe was fundamental to continuing with this endeavor instead of getting discouraged and giving up immediately. First, I gave myself grace; second, I committed to the process; and third, I decided to give myself recognition. Watching the raw footage, hearing my own voice and analyzing my delivery was cringey, but I stayed relaxed and wasn’t harsh on myself. In fact, there was no doubt in my mind I was going to upload the video regardless of its quality. So, after spending a few hours editing, brainstorming a title, writing a description, and putting together a thumbnail, I finally posted it. Following through on this was a huge win; it gave me a sense of accomplishment and confidence, it inspired me, and it surprisingly stimulated my creativity with a surge of ideas I wanted to expand on moving forward. Subsequently, I came up with a goal of uploading content every week and sticking with such frequency for as long as possible. I thought holding myself accountable to this would help me develop consistency and go through enough repetition to gradually get better.

While holding up my phone camera and organically communicating was the most difficult part for me, I saw there was another challenging aspect associated with producing videos, and it was editing. I was totally ignorant of the amount of work involved in modifying raw footage and combining clips into a coherent and appealing video. It was an entirely new skill set I was excited to explore and foster. Every step, from conceiving an idea, to filming, then editing, and finally delivering, was novel and fascinated me. Soon I got into the habit of shooting at least a small segment almost every day, depending on the concept I had planned to share, and I gradually loosened up talking and being in front of the camera. I constantly considered new ideas, and I started experimenting with visual storytelling – recording scenes showing my daily routines and activities – rather than solely speaking on a certain topic. I found myself enjoying creating more elaborate material and struggling less when expressing my thoughts and perspectives; nonetheless, I realized it consumed a greater amount of time and energy to do so.

I eventually made new uploads to my channel for twelve consecutive weeks. They were all about various aspects of my life during the season I was in and interests I wanted to share. These included nutrition, playing soccer, running and marathon training, mindset, exploring my passion for music, traveling, and relationships. When I finished recording the final few scenes of the last video I posted, I had recently moved back in with my family in New Jersey, after having lived six months in Chicago. Then I was no longer by myself most of the time, and I went from working 100% remotely to driving over an hour and a half (total) to and from my work office again. Adapting to such circumstances required me to shift the attention I would otherwise allocate to producing videos, to commuting and interacting with family daily. Moreover, I was rather self-conscious about shooting videos around other people; for instance, I avoided having the camera out around my parents or brothers in the house. The enthusiasm I had developed for creating content began to die down slowly, at times it felt forced, and the task of editing for hours was a bit draining and tedious. I was able to clearly perceive this one Saturday afternoon while putting together my last video, a few days prior to leaving for Oregon to run my first marathon with my brother Fernando. I sat at the dining room table on my phone for about 3 and a half hours, and once I finally made the upload to YouTube, I doubted whether I wanted to continue dedicating increasingly more of my free time and energy to this hobby.

Travelling to Oregon and getting immersed in such an amazing adventure, suddenly it dawned on me that I needed to release myself from the self-imposed pressure of having to capture moments on tape. The idea of sacrificing my complete presence by worrying about filming simply didn’t sit well with me, so I decided to forget about the camera the entire trip. Letting go and digesting the discomfort of thinking I was missing an opportunity to show and narrate a unique experience through video was tough but also freeing. Upon returning home to my day-to-day activities, I still wasn’t thrilled to start vlogging again; thereby, I determined I would take a longer break and reconsider in the near future. Over time I concluded I valued being present more than being on camera; in other words, the heightened sense of self-awareness and anxiety I inherently felt by recording myself basically turned away my full attention from here and now, and this wasn’t the way I particularly wanted to live. From this point on I never published another video and went on to explore other hobbies and interests.

Although I learned a whole lot about what it takes to produce content on YouTube, I’m certain there was so much more I could have developed still. At the end of the day, I got overwhelmed by the amount of work and effort it required, and I couldn’t build long-term consistency. On the contrary, the period of three months I spent making videos taught me to face my fears and ignore my inner critic. It allowed me to discover a different (more creative) side of mine, it inspired me to cultivate new skills, and it facilitated personal growth. Leaning into my curiosity and testing my ability to reach others via digital media, despite the insecurities I had around it, led me to find out I’m capable of doing more than I can imagine and have increased self-belief. It was a transformative pursuit I will always cherish.